The Serious Side Effects of Small Rejections
Why do we care whether he's into us even when we're not into him? And why do we get so upset if we're not included in a group lunch, even when we know it's probably just an oversight? And what about those people who hate the whole idea of Valentine's Day, yet still feel bad if they aren't asked out at all? Turns out, there are good evolutionary reasons for our inability to brush off even the slightest slight. To survive, it was better for our ancestors be part of a group than left out in the cold to forage on their own.      But in a modern world, our hypersensitivity to rejection can have surprisingly destructive consequences. When we're socially or romantically excluded, even in seemingly insignificant ways, it can lead to a host of negative psychological and physical side effects. That includes everything from lower scores on intelligence tests to a weakened immune system and increased aggression, explains Richard Schwartz, co-author (with Jacqueline Olds) of a new book on the topic, "The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the 21st Century." "It's a trigger for so much," he says. "The whole experience of being left out is one of the basic driving forces of human experience."      Surprisingly, it doesn't take much of a rejection for those negative effects to start showing up. In one study, psychologists Roy Baumeister at Florida State University and
Jean Twenge at San Diego State University gave a group of college students 15 minutes to socialize. Afterward, participants were asked, individually, who else they would like to work with on a future project. Those answers were never used; participants were instead randomly assigned to be "accepted" or "rejected" by the group. The accepted participants were told that they're the most desirable of the group, where the rejected participants are informed that, unfortunately, the group just isn't that into them. The "rejected" participants knew, at least rationally, that this didn't really matter; it was a 15-minute experiment in a laboratory that had no bearing on their future. But those who were rejected by their peers were significantly more aggressive toward an innocent target in follow-up exercises.       The socially excluded students also lost a fair amount of self-restraint after being rejected. In a follow-up experiment, participants were given the news of their rejection with a big plate of chocolate-chip cookies on the table. And if you've ever been home alone with a broken heart and a pint of mint-chocolate-chip ice cream, you can probably guess how that ended. The most memorable participant, says Twenge, was a young man who was assigned to the "rejected" category. "He kept saying, 'I'm eating all these cookies and don't
know why'," she says. "The 'why' is that social rejection. It causes you to lose self-control."      Twenge's other research has found that rejected individuals also become less social, are more likely to interpret neutral words and behaviors as signs of rejection and score lower on intelligence tests—all from a simple 15-minute activity. And this pain was felt whether the rejection came from someone we want to like us, or someone we couldn't care less about. "There really aren't any limits," says Twenge. "Of course it hurts more when someone we care about rejects us, but it even hurts when people that we hate reject us."          For a while, researchers had two theories about how one rejection would impact future social interactions. Either it would make individuals more social and friendly, since they want to find a place to belong, or less social to prevent another hurtful rejection. Research over the past decade has sided with the later hypothesis: socially rejected individuals become more aggressive and less likely to exhibit prosocial behavior. Twenge describes it as an "interesting little paradox" because the more we get hurt by rejection, the more we push away connections. "It's possible that in some cases its self-protective," says Twenge. "Even though we know it's illogical, that it makes more sense to be nicer, that's not what ha
ppens. The immediate reaction is to withdraw."        That angst seems to be amplified if we have the perception that we're the only one who's left out or who's been hurt; that, in other words, everyone else is either well-liked or too independent to have rejection bother them. And, according to Schwartz, Americans are particularly reluctant to admit that we're feeling rejected. We're often told we should be able to brush off rejection without a thought. And that if we can't, we're weak and whiny. From John Wayne's heroic lone cowboy to the single and fabulous Carrie Bradshaw, Americans respect characters who can be perfectly content going it alone. Independence is also a status symbol: to own a car or house, for example, rather than ride the bus or rent an apartment, is a sign of financial success.              But the experts don't recommend pretending everything is OK. Rather, Schwartz and Olds say accepting loneliness as a condition that everyone experiences from time to time and taking active steps to combat it can help people cope better with the blow of rejection and the pain of loneliness. One tactic to fight feeling left out can be to make an invitation instead of waiting for one to arrive. "People feel so embarrassed to take social risks," says Olds. "It never occurs to them that almost everyone feels the same way. But chances are, they do."
Some of Twenge's recent studies looked at other factors that can mitigate the anti-social, aggressive reactions that usually follow social rejection. A friendly encounter after a social rejection—as small as thanking people and giving them a piece of candy for their participation helped quell some of the aggression. And, she found that when participants were socially rejected, but then wrote about a loved one for two minutes they no longer were aggressive. One thing that didn't work: watching a happy movie. Something to think about before you spend Saturday night with a chick flick and a pint of Ben & Jerry's.
小小的拒绝 大大的副作用1\ 为什么即使我们对他并没有什么兴趣，但却会在意他是不是对自己着迷？为什么即使我们明知道没有被邀请去一起吃午饭只是一个小疏失，却还是会很伤心？为什么那些根本就觉得情人节很无聊的人如果在当天没有被约出去还是会很难过？所以，我们总是会难以抹去那些哪怕是最轻微细节。为了生存，我们的祖先选择居，而不是一个人在寒风中自我照料。  2\但是在现代社会，我们对于被拒绝的超敏性已经引起了惊人的破坏性的后果。当我们实际上或是空想中的被排斥，即使只是一些无关紧要的事，这都可以导致我们心理和生理上的许多消极的副作用。其中包括从智商降低到免疫系统减弱还有更强的侵略性。理查德·施华茨在一本于杰奎琳·欧茨合著的新书中解释道，“孤独的美国人：在21
世纪渐渐散开。”“这是太多事情的了，”他说，“被排斥在外的经历是人们经历更多事情的一个驱动力。”    3\令人惊讶的是，让这些消极作用出现的并不是什么了不起的拒绝。在一项研究中，佛罗里达大学的心理学家罗伊·保美斯特和圣地亚哥大学的基恩·特温基给一组大学生十五分钟的时间来交流，然后参与者被单独询问，在以后的一个项目中他们愿意和谁合作。那些答案都没有被采纳，参与者都取而代之的被随机的分配到那些也许被接受也许被拒绝的团队中去。那些被接受的参与者被告知说他们是这个团队最想要的人，而被拒绝的则被告知他们的团队很不幸的并不是那么的对他感兴趣。这些“遭拒”的参与者知道，至少理性的知道，这并不是很重要；这只是实验室里的一个十五分钟的实验，与他们的未来无关。但是这些被同伴拒绝的人在接下来的实践中在针对一个无辜的目标时会大大的更具侵略性。4\在社交方面被排斥的学生们也同时丧失了一种在遭拒后的自制能力。在接下来的实验中，参与者们会面对着桌子上的一大盆巧克力饼干被告知他们被拒绝了。如果你曾经一个人在家伴着一品脱的薄荷巧克力冰淇淋心碎的话，你也许就能够猜到事情是如何结束的了。特温茨说，最令我难忘的一个参与者是一个被分配到拒绝一栏的年轻人，她说我吃着这些饼干却不知道是为了什么。这个为什么就是社交拒绝。这导致你会丧失自制能力。5\特温茨的其他一些调查发现，遭拒的人会变得不爱交际，并且更加容易将中性的话和行为认为是一种拒绝的信号，
并且在智力测试中得分较低less is more 翻译——所有都是由于一个简单的15分钟的活动。并且这种痛苦不管这个拒绝是不是来自于我们希望能够喜欢自己的人或者是一个我们根本不关心的人，我们都能够感受得到。“其实这真的没有什么限制，”特温茨说。“当然，当我们在意的人拒绝了我们，那会更加的受伤害，但是当我们痛恨的人拒绝了我们，我们甚至也会受伤。”6\有一段时间，调查者对于一次拒绝会如何影响人未来的社交活动有两个理论。一个是这会让人变得更加的爱社交并且变得友好，因为他们希望能够到一个自己的归属，而另一个则是会为了防止有一次被拒绝伤害而变得不愿意交际。在过去的十年中，调查的结果和后者有着相同的间接：社交遭拒的人会变得更具侵略性，不愿意展示自己好社交的那一面。特温茨把这个称为“有趣的小悖论”，因为我们越是在拒绝中受伤，我们就会越排斥与他人的联系。“在一些案例中，很可能发生自我保护的情况”，特温茨说。“即使我们知道这是不合理的，而且我们知道应该变得更加与人友好才是对的，但事实却不如所愿。人们瞬时的反应还是选择退缩。”6\如果我们感觉自己是唯一一个被排除在外或者是受到伤害的人，这类焦虑就会扩大。换句话说，也就是我们认为其他的人都是受到欢迎的，并且都不会因为遭到拒绝而感到困扰。但是根据施华茨的说法，美国人尤其不愿意承认自己感觉到遭拒。我们总是被告诫说我们应该不假思索的忘了被拒绝的事，如果我们不能忘掉，我们就是弱者，我们会烦躁。从约
翰·韦恩的英勇的孤独牛仔到单身而美丽的凯利·布莱德萧，美国人总是崇敬那些能够单独成就完美的角。独立是一种地位的象征：例如拥有一辆车或一座房子，而不是坐着公车租着公寓，这就是一种经济上成功的象征。7\但是专家并不是推荐大家拒绝所有的事情。相反，施华茨和欧兹说接受孤独作为一种每个人有时候都需要经历的情境，并且采取挤挤的措施去与之抗击才会帮助人们更好的应付遭到拒绝和承受孤独之痛的情况。一种能够不被排斥的策略就是主动邀请别人，而不是等待别人来你。“人们总是觉得要做冒一些社交风险的事很尴尬，”欧兹说。“他们却从来没有想过其实每个人都是一样的想法。但是如果他们做了，机遇就在他们的面前。”8\特温茨最近的一些研究正在关注一些其他可以减轻由于因社交遭拒而导致的反社交，侵略性行为的因素。在社交遭拒之后的一次友好的际遇——事情可以小到好像表达感谢或者是感谢参与而分发一些糖果，这些都可以帮助缓解一些侵略性的行为。如果她发现当参与者遭到社交拒绝，但在花两分钟给最爱的人写一些东西后，他们就不再那么的具有侵略性了。但是有一件事却是没有用的：看喜剧电影。这是一些能让你在吃着鸡翅和冰淇淋度过周六晚上前思考的东西。

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