Kierkegaard once confided to his journal that he would have been much happier if he had become a police spy rather than a philosopher. Richard Nixon always wanted to be a sportswriter. If one considers these fantasies together, they seem to have got weirdly crossed. It is Nixon who should have been the police spy. On the other hand, Kierkegaard would probably have made an extraordinarily depressing sportswriter (Fear and Trembling: The Angst of Bucky Dent).
克尔凯郭尔曾在他的日记中透露, ,他会更高兴如果他能成为一个警察间谍而不是一个哲学家。理查德·尼克松总是想成为一名体育专栏作家。如果一个人认为这些幻想在一起,他们似乎有古怪的交叉。这就是尼克松应该成为警察间谍。另一方面,克尔凯郭尔可能是使人非常令人沮丧的体育专栏作家(恐惧和颤抖:焦虑的巴登.基特)
  We have these half-secret old ambitions—to be something else, to be someone else, to leap out of the interminable self and into another skin, another life. It is usually a brief out-of-body phenomenon, the sort of thing that we think when our gaze drifts away in the middle of a conversation. Goodbye. The imagination floats through a window into the conjectural and fi
nds there a kind of bright blue antiself. The spirit stars itself in a brief hypothesis, an alternative, a private myth. What we imagine at such moments can suggest peculiar truths of character.
我们都有一些半公开的,一直以来就有的秘密想成为其他的东西,或是其他人,跳出永无止境的自我,进入另一个皮囊,另一种生活。它通常是一个短暂的灵魂离开肉体的现象,这种现象我们通常认为体现在谈话时凝视的目光却已经飘走了。再见。想象力漂过窗口,进入我们想象的天空,在那里到了鲜明的反自我。在我们的想象天空中,在我们自己的神话中,在那短暂的假设中,我们的灵魂在那里扮演主角。在那一时刻中,我们所想象的东西能真实的体现我们性格的真相。
  One rummages in closets for these revelations. Kierkegaard's fancy about being a police spy is a dark, shiny little item; a melancholic's impulse toward sneaking omnipotence, the intellectual furtively collaborating with state power, committing sins of betrayal in police stations in the middle of the night. It is not far from another intellectual's fantasy: Norman M
ailer once proposed that Eugene McCarthy, the dreamboat of the late '60s moderate left, might have made an ideal director of the FBI. McCarthy agreed. But of course, McCarthy had a sardonic genius for doubling back upon his public self and making it vanish. He did magic tricks of self-annihilation. Nixon's imaginary career — wholesome, all-American, unimpeachable — may suggest both a yearning for blamelessness (what could possibly be tainted in his writing about baseball?) and an oblique, pre-emptive identification with an old enemy: the press.
我们在脑海中翻箱倒柜的寻让人看到真相的白日梦。克尔凯郭尔的幻想成为一个警察间谍是一个黑暗的,闪亮的小幻想,一个犯忧郁症的人埋在心底的无所不能的冲动,知识分子和政府合作在午夜偷偷摸摸的到警察局犯下背叛的罪。这远不是另一个知识分子的幻想:诺曼·梅勒曾提到,尤金·麦卡锡,20世纪60年代后期,温和派左翼,可能是一个理想的美国联邦调查局局长。麦卡锡也赞成。当然,麦卡锡是一个可笑的天才,他爬到政府高位,又沿原路返回,让自己的政府形象中消失。他玩了一个自我消失的魔术。尼克松的虚构的职业——健康,全美,无懈可击的——可能表明了对于无可指责的渴望,以及对于长期以来的敌人(新闻界)先发制人,打成一片的向往。(还会有什么能够对于棒球报道进行玷污呢?)
  The daydream of an alternative self is a strange, flitting thing. This wistful speculation often occurs in summer, when a vacation loosens the knot of one's vocational identity. Why, dammit, says the refugee from middle management on his 13th day on the lake, why not just stay here all year? Set up as a fishing guide. Open a lodge. We'll take the The soul at odd moments (the third trout, the fourth beer) will make woozy rushes at the pipe dream. Like a gangster who has cooperated with the district attorney, we want a new name and a new career and a new house in a different city — and maybe a new nose from the D.A.'s cosmetic surgeon.
反自我的白日梦是一个奇怪的,一闪而过的东西。这种白日梦的渴望往往发生在夏天,当一个假期放松了一个人的职业束缚时。为什么,该死的,一个中层管理者在他的第13天在湖面上如难民说到,为什么不能永久的待下去。从事钓鱼向导,开一家旅馆。我们将储蓄……灵魂会有奇特的时刻(到吃到第三条鳟鱼,和喝到第四瓶啤酒)将会醉醺醺的产生幻觉。像一个匪徒和地方检察官合作sort of中文翻译,我们想要一个新的名字和一个新的职业和一个新房子在不同的城市,也许是来自于美容外科医生的一个新的鼻子。
  Usually, the impulse passes. The car gets packed and pointed back toward the old reality. The moment dissolves, like one of those instants when one falls irrevocably in love with the face of a stranger through the window as the bus pulls away.
通常,冲动会消失。汽车打好包后,开会到旧的现实。消失的那一刻,像当一个人透过窗无可救药的爱上了一个陌生人的脸,但是公交车已经开走了的那一瞬间。
  Sometimes, the urge does not vanish. The results are alarming. This month Ferdinand Waldo Demara Jr. died. That was his final career change. His obituary listed nearly as many metamorphoses as Ovid did. Demara, "the Great Imposter," spent years of his life being successfully and utterly someone else: a Trappist monk, a doctor of psychology, a dean of philosophy at a small Pennsylvania college, a law student, a surgeon in the Royal Canadian Navy, a deputy warden at a prison in Texas. Demara took the protean itch and amateur's gusto, old American traits, to new frontiers of pathology and fraud.
有时,强烈的欲望是不消失的。结果往往是惊人的。这个月儿子费迪南瓦尔多戴马拉死了。这是他最后的职业改变。他的讣告上所列的几乎和奥维德变形记中的一样多。Demara,“伟大
的骗子”,花了几年他成功的完全成为了另一个人。特拉普派僧人,一个心理学的医生,一个宾夕法尼亚州小型大学的哲学系主任,一个法律系学生,一个在加拿大皇家海军的外科医生,一个在德克萨斯州监狱的副区长。戴马拉有千变万化的渴望和自由爱好的热情,旧式美国人特征,是一种属于新前沿领域病理学的的欺诈。
  Usually, it is only from the safety of retrospect and an established self that we entertain ourselves with visions of an alternative life. The daydreams are an amusement, a release from the monotony of what we are, from the life sentence of the mirror. The imagination's pageant of an alternative self is a kind of vacation from one's fate. Kierkegaard did not really mean he should have been a police spy, or Nixon that he should have been a sportswriter. The whole mechanism of daydreams of the antiself usually depends upon the fantasy remaining fantasy. Hell is answered prayers. God help us if we had actually married that girl when we were 21.

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